Mutation, Evolution, Adaptation

This week has been really hard emotionally! Mondays are ALWAYS long and stressful at work! That's our busiest, because we do not usually work the weekends so a crazy amount of orders needs to be processed in 1 day, Tuesday I took my Acct. class final, which I am thinking I did better than average on that test, I might even get a B-ish type grade on it, instead of the solid C's I have been getting in that class. I should be finding out my grades soon, I did so well in my World Religion class that I didn't have to take the final.

Wednesday my friend got a special screen pass of "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (a twisted, depraved, gross musical-I Loved it!) so we when to the Pladium in B town and saw it, then we travelled over to Comet Burger in Royal Oak for "the perfect food" thier burgers and fries are amazing!

The week took a turn for the worse because I got into a fight with my co-workers and bosses on Thursday, I haven't realized that the meds are not working as they are supposed to. I love my boss Jeff. He is the most compassionate and genuine person I know. He is brutally honest with you too. His opinion is important to me, and we talked about a lot of different things. He told me things that I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear. Things like "you need to find yourself" and "maybe administrative work isn't for you" I am starting therapy again (first appt is on Wednesday with a new Dr. and I would be lying if I said I was not a little nervious.) I know I need this, Kev and I had a lengthy convo last night, which always happens once a semester is over, but there was a lot of things that needed to be cleared up. I am also asking my phych doc to change my meds. I am starting to lose it, literally. I am seeing things that are not there, thinking weird random horrible shit, having night terrors and HORRIBLE headaches again, and I am swinging rapidly between moods. I was not aware it had gotten this bad. I honestly thought I was one small step away from being locked up again on Thursday. Not a good feeling. The ghosts were starting to come out of my subconscience and into my everyday exsistance to bother me. I have been in those hellholes twice, and I do not want to go back EVER again. That is truly hell on Earth my friends. There is no warmth from the staff, you are locked away from your loved ones, and you are faced with people that are MUCH worse off mentally-speaking than you are. You live in a state of contant fear. I thought for sure the first couple of nights that this one particular girl was going to slit my throat in the middle of the night because she liked my glasses. She told me that she was going to kill me to get them, because I would not give them to her willingly, and then 10 minutes later, asked me to sit with her at lunch because we were "friends!" Kev talked to me a little about my "episodes" last night. Freaky is all I will say. You are better off not knowing.

Friday however, was the POLAR (haha I'm so punny!) opposite of Thursday. I was happy, and only surface calm at first, but it permiated my whole being after awhile. Funny thing is, I talked to my mom yesterday, and she said that she never had prayed so hard for me, and my dad too. In the wee hours of the morning before work, when I was sipping my coffee and eating my bagel, I could almost hear them praying as if they were in the same room with me. I had a warm snuggly feeling. Like someone wrapped me in a REALLY soft fuzzy blankie! It felt good. I needed it desperately. Say what you will about religion and prayer, but if it works for someone, who are you to say they are foolish to believe in something more then themselves? Work was good co-workers and bosses were very copassionate and asking how I was and if they could do anything for me.

I have a new mantra now. I got it out of a combo of what my boss told me, and what I am trying to do with my life: "You can't save the world (what I want to do) if you can't save yourself!" (what my boss Jeff told me to do. Be selfish for once, and work on getting myself back to where I need to be!)

Things I am doing to help save myself:

1. Have a Dr. appt to change my meds.
2. Going to talk to someone to find out coping skills for dealing with stress.
3. Writing/blogging for a release.
4. Reading (books and movies are how I escape!)
5. Creating (I have several projects that I want to work on!)
6. Cleaning (the last one you might laugh at but I swear it helps me relieve stress!)
7. Working on a daily meditation practice
8. Working on trying to get into a gym and start working out. (I'm just going to start doing yoga at home for now!)

OK that is all.

What I'm into right now:

Currently Listening to: Franz Ferdinand
Currently Reading: A history of Van Gogh, several Photography books, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and Kushel's Chosen
Currently Feeling: Resolved